3 May 2017


So here I am. It's creeping up to that dreaded last month of paid maternity leave and the decision of do I return to work or can we continue to live on Brad's wages and my freelance income?
I've always wanted to be a work-from-home Mum. I am sure a lot of Stay-at-home and working Mums feel the same too. I mean being at home with your kids all day, no childcare costs, lots of snuggles and get paid for it. It's totally not that easy though - don't be fooled.

For me being a work-from-home Mum isn't about snuggling my kids and getting paid for it. I do snuggle my kids and get paid for it but that's because I snuggle them whilst typing away on a laptop. I don't get much sleep. I was up to 4:30am the other day working. I work full time hours for part time wages. Why do I do it? Simple - I love it.

The thought of having to return to work is a scary thought. Do I go back to work? Do I push myself harder to bring in more income? Do I extend to the three extra months unpaid and see if we can survive? use whatever holiday I have accumulated as extra? I don't know. I don't need to go back for as many days as I used to that's for sure, so that's one big positive.

My to-do list is growing bigger and bigger and i'm pushing myself. I have to if I don't i'll end up in a job i'm unhappy in or regretting not trying hard enough when I had the chance.
I am in a bit of a funk at the moment with my blog and youtube channel. I don't know where i'm going with it. I am lost, uninspired and that is purely down to comparison, stats, moz scores and the lack of confidence I have for my own work.

I'm at that stage where I'll take a photo, write a post or design something and i'll be quite happy with it or i'll be like "I actually like that" and then i'll see someone else post something and that's it, i'll hate it. I'll pick holes in it and feel really rubbish.
I'm one of those people that needs constant recognition that I'm doing okay, that I'm good at what I do or what I've produced is good as I am always so negative with myself. It's a very unattractive trait.
They'll be a thread on facebook for 'best photography' or 'blogs you love' and I wait and wait and no one mentions me and although it seems really sad and pathetic, I feel a bit crushed that no one thinks of me when those things get mentioned and I go back to thinking I am rubbish again. Thats my battle and one I need to deal with.
I need to organise my time better. Sort out a schedule. Work hard.
You get back what you put in.

I have come so far and I need to remember that. I need to remember that I'm self taught. I need to remember I didn't go to UNI to learn photography, writing, videography, photoshop, social media management and web design; I taught myself. I should be proud of that. I am learning, getting better, gaining more knowledge, producing better images and I'm self employed. I never thought I'd be able to say that.

Currently where I am going from here is uncertain but there will be changes, there will be hard work and there will continue to be little sleep as once I'm there, I'll be there and I'll crack it.