28 September 2016


Dear little Lucas,

I've been meaning to sit down and write to you for a while now and I keep getting distracted, and in all honesty you've been such a handful that I barely have time to eat now. Yesterday I lived off a couple of slices of toast for the whole day as you were just such a handful I didn't get round to eating myself.

It's been really difficult and I can't help but get stressed out, get anxious, get emotional and feel a little disheartened some days with your behaviour but I keep reminding myself that it's because you're soon about to have your world turned upside down and that you're just very needy and even as I type this, you're asking me to colour in cat's noses, I keep telling you not to put crayons in your mouth or up your nose and Im constantly picking up the crayons you keep deliberately dropping on the floor. I'm picking my battles wisely and as much as I want to tell you to deal with them on the floor, I cannot be bothered to listen to your whiney voice and have another argument with you.

Even with your challenging behaviour, I still absolutely adore everything about you. I could sit here and pretend to you and the internet that you're amazing all the time, pretend we live in a different world than we do, like so many others, but I wont sugarcoat it. Parenting is difficult at the best of times, but the reality of bringing another child into the world is a wonderful, exciting time for us, but to you its probably the scariest, most frustrating and uneasy time of your life. You keep being asked about your baby sister, you see her things going into your room and your house and you don't totally get that it wont be as bad as you assume. I hope you realise this once she's born.

I have made a promise to you that when she's napping, in order to not only stop moaning at you constantly to be quiet and not to wake her, or run around near her all the time, we'll have 1:1 time in the garden or at the park. 1:1 time crafting, colouring or just playing trains or reading. You'll still have loads of attention, and love. You'll just have to learn that the world doesn't revolve around you all the time.

It's been really challenging for me as your mum too the past few days especially. You've caused tears for me on so many occasions. I'm surrounded by guilt and frustration. I feel like all I do is tell you off. I hate being like that, but when you're doing some of the things you're doing it's just so stressful. I'm totally exhausted and overwhelmed and you're certainly pushing buttons.
It makes it harder when I think about the fact that any of these days could be our last day together, with you as an only child and me, just as your mum, and the fact I don't want that day to be filled with you misbehaving, you making me cry and with us not doing anything nice as I cannot leave the house on my own with you at the moment as you're just so badly behaved. I guess thats also the perfect last day image I have in my head that just isn't reality at the moment.

It's such a hard time for me at the moment as I love you greatly, but the constant bad behaviour, the feeling of failure and guilt on me and just wanting to cherish and remember the lovely times we had together before Iris being born, and being totally crushed that it's just not like that at the moment. 

I hope that you realise the time, and effort I put into you and even when all I want to do is jump between the bath and my bed with netflix on, i'm getting up, making your day the best it can be with the current situation. You're my world Lucas and always will be. You'll have to share me with your sister of course but I promise it wont mean I love you any less. 
I hope this faze ends soon and we get back our brilliant, well behaved little boy, who is so clever and wonderful.

This may seem negative and it certainly wasn't the letter I wanted to write to you, but this is the reality of our life and the changes to you during the lead up to you becoming a big brother. 

I still adore you, and always will. You're still my baby boy and I hope we grow out of this soon.