8 July 2016


Dear little Lucas,

You made me a mother, you were my first child, my first true love, the person that made my heart full. You were the first child I grew, the first child I loved, the first child I counted down the weeks to meet and the first child I counted the weeks with.

I watched you hit milestones, I saw your first smiles, I held you close and promised to love you unconditionally until the day I died. I saw you take your first steps and grow from a newborn, to a baby, to a toddler and now into a little boy. You were the first child I watched do those things and i'll never forget those.

You were the first child I filled out your baby books about your firsts, the first child I saw 3am with, whilst I rocked you back to sleep and fed you milk. The one who I wiped your tears for the first time, and attended to your first scrapped knee. I did those things because you were my first child and because I wanted nothing more than to love you more than anything.
I did those things because I wanted to, because I needed to, and because you needed me to.

You were the first child I sacrificed my life for, sacrificed my body for, sacrificed my time for. Everything I did, I did it for you. You were the first child I felt my skin stretch for, my bump growing in order to house you for 9months. The first child I felt jiggle in my tummy, those little flutters, the big movements, the ones that daddy could feel too, and the ones that I laid watching for as long as you wiggled for.

You were the first child I saw on a screen, the first one at 4 weeks, you were this tiny little dot in a sac, then we saw you grow every two weeks for the first twelve weeks and watched you grow from a dot to a tiny little human, super tiny little human. You were the first child we saw in 4d and that day we found out that our first child was going to be a little boy, you were that child.
You were also that first child that we saw growing, 4 weekly for the last 16 weeks.

The first child I felt nervous for, I felt fear, I felt happiness and excitement for. The first child I was bringing into the world, the one who was going to make me a mother, yet I was so scared of how I would be as a mother and at points whether you'd ever make it into this world. There were so many uncertainties with how my uterus would cope, I had days where I feared i'd never become a mother.

You were the first child that I woke up to feel my waters breaking, the first time you ever flooded the floor, certainly not the last. You were the first child I felt contractions with, felt excitement and fear with on labour ward. The first child I would cuddle and call my own, the first child I breastfed and the first child I was about to leave the hospital with and help grow and flourish.
You were my first c-section, my first postpartum experience and my first sleepless night where I spent cuddling you and staring at you in awe.

You were the first child I fell in love with and the first child that made me feel worthy of being a human. You made me a mother Lucas Oliver Walters and for that I am so thankful, you are the one who made me the person I am today, you help me make choices I may not have made without you. You were the first child I felt proud of, felt a connection with and felt like I had chosen the right path in life.

You were the child that made me fall more and more in love with your daddy and made me see him for the different man he could be too. You were also the one who made him a daddy and I know that he too is truly grateful for you.
You may not be our last child, our only child or the only child who will make me a mother and fill my heart up, but I will not forget that without you, I wouldn't be a mother.

Thank you for being the kindest son, big brother and human. You were the first child that was doted on and adored by family and extended family. You'll always be loved massively, and slightly different. You showed everyone that they could love in a different way than they already knew. You made everyone, especially me and daddy happy. You light up the world of everyone who has the pleasure to know you and I can't wait for us to be the ones who add another first to your life.

We will be the ones who make you a big brother, you'll be the one who can help teach Iris all her firsts, and show her how to hit her milestones. You can love her unconditionally like we love you and her.
I am extremely blessed to have both you and your sister in mine and daddy's lives and we're entirely grateful for you both.

We love you so much,