23 July 2016


Dear little Lucas,

I'm feeling major mum guilt and I just want to apologise for that. You're probably oblivious to my reasons but if you're not then again I am sorry. It's really hard being a mum, especially when it's this hot and I am carrying your sister.

 I am currently feeling pretty terrible as we haven't done anything "exciting" in this weather, but honestly its just been draining and horrendous. We played in the paddling pool on Tuesday, spent the day in the house with all the windows open, in our underwear, you in a nappy, on Wednesday, Thursday I was at work and you went out for a walk (pokemon hunting) with daddy, yesterday you had an appointment and then spent the afternoon with daddy and then today we spent most of the time in the house, and 2 hours in the garden, but you were too hot and wanted to come back in the house.

We did see a little frog and you were amazing, especially when I said, please don't step on him. You yelled 'cute frog, mummy," and laughed when he hopped away. You're getting so good at listening now, it's lovely. So well done to you for that.

I underestimated how hard pregnancy was going to be with a toddler, especially one so active like yourself. You're amazing though, you play independently, although I love playing with you, if I need 30-40 minutes to lay on the sofa, you'll happily play or watch TV, you're not always demanding my attention. You have a great balance in that aspect. So thank you for that.

You've been playing in the garden this afternoon again and I love that I can just sit next to you, and you'll play happily in your sandpit, and occasionally give me a toy, or want my attention to show me something you've done, especially when you yell "I DID IT," and stand up and throw your hands in the air, when you have done something you clearly wanted to do. Today it was cover your trailer in sand and weeds. I always act impressed, even if I don't know exactly what you did, but you're satisfied with that and I love the look on your face when you see that i'm proud of you. Which I truly am.

You've gone to Nanny and Grandad's tonight, to spend the night with them and Auntie Jaz, and the guilt I felt as you left and drove away, even though you weren't fazed. 2 years on and I still really struggle to be away from you, I have to two days a week as I have to work so you can have nice things, as daddy's wages wont cover everything, but honestly, I constantly turn down people wanting to take you out independently, I usually ask to tag along, or turn them down. I hate being apart from you, I feel myself welling up as I type this, and you'd be asleep now anyway, and you'd be being picked up in the morning as I have work, but I find being away from you, so, so hard. I'm counting down the weeks until maternity leave when I don't have to leave you, apart from when we go to the hospital to have your sister.

You're so proud of this top too. You LOVE it. You love shouting "BEST BRO EVER" as you're wearing it and it's so cute to see you be so excited about meeting your little sister, you always talk about her if you see my tummy out, and if you see another bump or baby on the TV. It makes me feel bad though as you say "noise," or "baby cry" or "baby sad" when you hear them cry and I can't explain to you as you wont understand that you're going to be hearing that a lot and I am sorry if you don't like it and it makes you sad.

I am having one of those days where I feel so much guilt that I am currently not the energetic parent I was before. I am not guilty to be bringing your sister into the world as I know that once you're used to her and her noise and as she grows up you're going to LOVE her and you're going to be the best of friends.

Basically, I am so sorry that I am struggling in this heat!
I really love you and think you're truly amazing. 

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