12 June 2016


I typed this up a while ago and was planning on posting it next week; but after watching 'The Michalaks' latest vlog and seeing the ending to their vlog with the news of a miscarriage it hit home the bittersweetness of a pregnancy after loss for me and due to similarities in time frames of both mine and Hannah's miscarriages, both miscarrying around 6 weeksish, it reminded me of the pain I felt and the hurt. To be honest, it all feels a little raw again all of a sudden, maybe it's the reminder of the pain I felt, seeing someone else feel the same sort of pain, maybe it's the 5:15 wake up time I had this morning and maybe it's the hormones, I don't know? But today feels the best day all of a sudden to share this post now.

As we reach the middle of June, I get a strange sense of feeling. June 27th 2014 was Lucas' due date and if he hadn't of come early he would have been born on the 20th via c-section. He was destined to never make his due Date. The little pickle he is, always eager and on the go our Lucas.
June 27th 2016 was our estimated due date for the pregnancy we lost.

It seems very strange to think if we hadn't had the miscarriage we wouldn't be pregnant with Iris, she may have been a girl, she may have been called Iris, actually probably not as. We fell in love with the name Iris after discovering she was the goddess of the rainbows, which was perfect when we liked a name and then found out it had a beautiful meaning too.
Lucas' means lucky which is another reason we chose it, a name you love with a nice meaning, I'm a sucker for it.
The thought of not being pregnant with Iris now makes me feel absolutely numb. I am 21 weeks pregnant on Tuesday and in awe of this little girl I've never met and in my head no one could ever replace her, just like no one could replace her brother.

It still feels strange that I could have been 38 weeks pregnant, possibly booked in to be having another section, possibly already have had the baby. It makes my heart hurt a little thinking about it. Would they have been a girl or a boy? What would we have called them? Ect... But all I think of is how lucky I am to be nearly 21 weeks pregnant and knowing in 15-19 weeks possibly even 18 if she's another section; or 15 weeks, if she's like her brother and comes early we'll be meeting her.

It's a very odd feeling when it comes to loss and due dates, you feel a sense of sadness but I guess being pregnant again makes it a lot easier to deal with, especially when you lost the pregnancy so early on. I am still gutted, hurt and some days I think of the what if's but knowing we've been blessed with a beautiful little girl due in Autumn, it heals the pain.

You never forget a miscarriage but you learn to heal. I look forward to October 25th, or possibly even October 18th if she's a section, or as late as November 8th if she goes overdue but hopefully no earlier than the 27th September (36weeks) when I finally get out rainbow girl in our arms.

Due dates can be so many things, happy, sad, painful, long awaited and bitter.

All I know is as I type this, drinking my strawberry milk, I feel her moving and kicking, only faintly still but it reminds me of the positives and the good in life. I wouldn't change where we are now and just wish it didn't hurt to be reminded of a dark time in our lives. Iris is worth the wait in due dates and if we could turn back the clock, we wouldn't change what happened, I am sure, as Iris wouldn't be Iris without that and we wouldn't be the people we are in this pregnancy without it. I am a true believer in things happen for a reason and although that doesn't make it hurt less or make the pain go away, it makes you grateful for what you do have. We have Lucas and Iris and I feel pretty god damn lucky for that.