27 June 2017


My head is all over the place, my head isn't a great place. I am struggling. Things have been struggle for a while and over the past month it's been gradually getting worse. Things are really hard. Things are super hard and it's finally time to admit defeat and sort it out. Sometimes admitting defeat and admitting you're struggling is harder than struggling. 

It's the embarrassment, the fear, the judgement and the worry. I am always worried about speaking out for the fear of being ridiculed and judged. I have been cut off in the past for struggling with my mental health and it's absolute soul crushing. 

Natasha Bailie recently told me that "Depression is like a solo dark cloud, it's hard to understand anyone else's cloud so focus on yours and make it sunny as fuck." This is something that has stuck in my head. It's something that I totally related to and opened my mind up a little bit.

Struggling with any mental health disorder is soul destroying, it can ruin your life, or at least temporarily take it over. It ruins any rational thoughts you have, it takes away your patience, it makes you irrational, paranoid, sad, snappy and just darn right ridiculous. This is something that in that mindset you CANNOT change; You cannot recognise. This doesn't make it wrong but it certainly isn't right. The behaviour you're portraying isn't a way you'd usually act in and it's not until you snap out of it that you realise that. I think it's hard to remember that when someone is being so irrational that it really isn't them. I get that. I have been there, i've found it really hard to handle and understand, especially when you're not in the greatest mindset yourself. That is when I will now go back to what Natasha said and remember that.

After I had Lucas I suffered with post-natal depression, I ignored it and it ate away at me and I tried to keep it to myself as much as possible. This time round I cannot ignore it. I am struggling, I feel horrible. I have always struggled on and off with mental health for years and pretend a lot that I'm okay as so many people JUST DON'T GET IT and they JUST DON'T GET YOU! It's horrible and heart breaking. I just want to be able to be honest and break the stigma. I want to talk out-loud, I want to be myself again, I want to just be happy, to stop being paranoid, sensitive and get rid of so many of these bad traits that I know are temporary and not me.

Something has to change, something has to get better, I HAVE to get better. I am looking forward to the GP tomorrow, I am ready to change my mindset and sort out the mess. I will continue to talk about it, I will continue to find myself again. I don't want to struggle anymore. 

Stop the stigma, stop the judgement and focus on recovery. Tomorrow will hopefully shine a light on everything a little more. 

My children and Brad are my main focuses. This blogger's retreat i'm currently on is a huge help too and is certainly helping towards relaxing my soul, mind and body. It could not have come at a better time.