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THE MISCARRIAGE TABOO

If you hadn't guessed from the title, sadly Brad and I have suffered a miscarriage, I was very early on and physically i'm not suffering terribly, but emotionally we're very sad, but thinking of the positives and remaining optimistic for the future and trying to move on. I typed this up yesterday when it was all fresh and had it in mind that one day i'd post this, but after sitting with Brad and discussing the best time to share this, we both decided to share it now, it was a case of now or never, and doing it now while were still dealing with it ourselves, instead of dealing with it, and then dragging all the back up again and bringing back up again and hurting all over again. Both of us agree that talking about it will help us cope.


I always wonder why miscarriage is such a thing that no one really talks about publicly. We keep things hidden with pregnancy for 12 weeks and 1 in 6 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. The number is scarily high and sadly miscarriage is something that no one can stop and no one can blame themselves for. There are things you can do to prevent it, but even if you're like me and you ate the right things, limited the caffeine intake, took all the right vitamins, drank water, didn't smoke, didn't drink, you know the usual, but it doesn't mean it won't happen.

I am not going to sit there and exaggerate this to you and think the reason you're reading this is probably because we were one of the "luckier" ones in the weirdest way, we were so early on, the baby hadn't developed a heartbeat, it wasn't "alive" as such, but nevertheless we still had that positive pregnancy test, we still bought Lucas a big brother t-shirt, we got excited, we told family; although people would suggest this is why you wait, why would you not tell your family, this sort of thing would never happen to us, we do everything right and no one expects it. You probably saw recent blog posts saying "we're working on a secret project, to be revealed in a couple of months" you know when we stopped daily vlogging. Well that secret project was growing a baby, we only grew it for the tiniest time, but still it was still something we wanted greatly and are gutted it's gone.

When I found out I was pregnant we recorded our reaction, excited to put into a future daily vlog, we started thinking about Lucas being a big brother, we bought him a top and started imaging him as this cute, big brother, watching him protecting his little brother or sister. It was the best. Then after 4 days of migraines and feeling so terrible, my pregnancy symptoms disappeared, i felt a little extra tired, cramping and I needed to wee a lot, but nothing that yelled "YOU'RE PREGNANT" I had my doctors appointment on the following week, where he booked me in for a scan for Monday 2nd November, he told me that he thought everything was fine and was positive my baby would be fine and he had no concerns for the cramping, if i started bleeding over the weekend then that signified something was wrong and off to A&E I would have to go.

On 31st October, halloween, I had some brownish tinting when I went to the toilet and we agreed that it was so mild there was no need to waste Lucas' halloween. We had a lovely day and then went to bed at about 9pm as didn't feel very well and were really sleepy. I woke up at 12:45am from a dream, in my dream I had cramping and was bleeding, well I went to the toilet and sadly, I was bleeding.
Halloween at A&E was a freaking nightmare. We were seen at 1:15am and was finally seen at 4am!
They were rushed off their feet with drunks and drug overdoses. I lost all sympathy for the self inflicted morons that night. My bloods were taken and everything was monitored. My HCG levels came back as positive and I was still pregnant.

I was transferred over to the maternity hospital opposite at 7am for more confirmation and results, the doctor did internal examinations and checked me over. She ruled out ectopic as although the pain was on the right side, their was no pain on touching my stomach. She checked my cervix and it was closed so that was all okay. She then explained that my HCG levels showed that yes I was still pregnant, but sadly they were only 17.3 when they should have been in their hundreds. This meant that either I'd already lost the pregnancy and thats why it was so low or that it never progressed in the first place and I was having a "period" like cycle thing now, as everything was coming down.

I think this was likely the case, my pregnancy symptoms stopped at 4 days after testing, and I am guessing it never really formed into anything from there. My bleeding is very much the same as my period, so that makes total sense to the time frame. As a couple we are sad, gutted and would loved to still be pregnant and getting ready to announce soon and planning everything out but sadly we're not and we're just going to have to move on from it.

We always thought we'd keep this really private and not share it, but if you're reading this then we've decided that actually, why do we keep miscarriage as something so secret and not speak out, obviously if you're a private person then of course you would't share it, we usually share every other aspect of our lives with you and this is something we feel we could share with you guys.
This is a sad time in our lives, but like we said, we were so early on, the pregnancy was lost somewhere between 4weeks - 6 weeks if not even before we took that pregnancy test and we're lucky in the sense that it was so early, and that we don't have to deal with anything worse and fingers crossed next time we get lucky, and we get a healthy little bundle at the end of it.

For the mean time, we're so lucky to have Lucas, he's the most perfect bundle of joy, the most wonderful toddler and we're lucky to have fallen pregnant quickly both times and to have had this gorgeous little, healthy man at the end of the first pregnancy, and some people don't even get that. You have to count your blessings and hope that next time you get blessed again. I am starting my new job on Thursday and I am so so so excited for that and remaining upbeat as I don't want this to bring me down and to ruin that, and i'm certain it won't as when I walk through those doors Thursday morning, I am in work mode and not home mode and it's important for me that I do 150% in my job at all time.

Thank you for reading, sorry for such a downer post; we hope you understand that we've shared this for you guys to know whats happened, not for attention, bundles of sympathy or for anything else, it's purely that miscarriage is sometimes brushed under the carpet and too many people suffer alone in silence. I'm lucky to have support all around me and to be able to brush myself off and think of the positives. I've also shared it as for me the best way to deal with things is to write it down, talk about it. If I bottle things up then they eat away at me. Brad and I have both agreed we're happy to share it outloud and to stop the taboo, encourage woman to speak up and out, find comfort, know they're not alone and it's the same for men, they're grieving and dealing with miscarriage too, don't forget they need support the same as the woman. Don't forget them.

If you guys ever need support or want to talk about this, if you've ever suffered or if you suffer and need a friendly face to talk to, someone who understands email me dearlittlelucas@aol.com always happy to chat!